Beauty & the BEAST

Today I don't feel like either.

Welcome Samra.

Take heart, beauty is in the eye of the beholder... and its good that the best is hibernating.

Be well little sister.

You are Unique.
In the entire world their is nobody like you.
Since the beginning of time their has never been another person like you.

You are unique
No one can be found who has your handwriting.
Nobody anywhere has your taste for food, music or art.
no one sees things as you do.
In all of time their is no one who laughs like you, no one who cry's like you.
No one reacts to any situation as you react.

you are unique
you are the only one in creation that has your set of abilities
Oh their will always be someone who is better at one of the things that you are good at, but no one in the universe
can reach the quality of your combination of talent ideas,feelings and abilities.
Through all eternity no one will ever look talk,walk, think or do like you.

It is no accident that you are unique,
You are unique for a very special purpose.
Their is something here that you can do that no one else can do.
That one is you because you are unique

So all of us here are already weird, unorthodox.  Well I've taken another step through the land of misfits into another lifestyle change....DD/lg.  Look it up, I'm not explaining something so easily Googleable...plus I can't post external links yet to give you the video I'd like to use.  Anyways, my role is age regression.  As some of you may know I have mental health diagnosis and last February I was finally given the one I would agree to after over a decade of being misdiagnosed...Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD for short.  Being in "Little Space" is extremely helpful when I'm anxious or depressed.  Age regression seems to be working for me pretty well currently, plus it helps me to explore the childhood I missed out on.

Thoughts with Samra Episode 1: Grocery Shopping

(Excerpt from a conversation with someone I love...Then it turns into an example of what it's like to go to the store for me)
*-when I'm talking to myself in my head

Me:
I try not to tell you things I think for a reason...I've told you that...But I thought I could trust you so I talked to you...I let you in on the hell inside my head.
Then it started hurting you so I quit.
Then when I was silent or didn't wanna tell you things you DEMANDED that I did...knowing I told you it was better off I stay quiet.
I know my triggers.
I tried to tell you my triggers.
You didn't listen.
I'm so stressed out I've smoked 2 & 1/2 packs of cigarettes since yesterday at 6:50ish am.
I haven't done that since I lived in Florida.
I read books, study articles, and watch lectures so I can live!!! Do you think that is what I really wanna spend my time on? Do you think I really like layin around stuck in my head not playing with my kids which only makes everything worse because then I feel like a shitty mom? Do you think I enjoy yelling STOP at you because I can't take whatever it is your saying or having to control the radio and songs we listen to and the volume because of my sensory issues?
You have no idea do you?
None
When I say I constantly work on myself, that's precisely what I mean.
I have to think about EVERYTHING I do....where I go, what I wear, how I feel, is my anxiety ok to be able to handle all the sounds and people at the store (And here's an example of what it's like for me to go grocery shopping....not even in the best detail)...

*did I remember to shut the coffee pot off....I remember the one time I came home and it had busted because I left it on, I fuck everything up, I'm a failure...what's wrong with you, you get straight A's in Honors College then try to kill yourself...you're such a dumbass...you've not accomplished anything in life*[runs into a lady with the shopping cart]...Oh my god I'm so sorry..
My face turns red and I get burning hot, I wanna leave.....
But all these groceries....just hurry up...don't look at anyone...*what was that*...*they know you're fucked up too, they know you're a failure*...heart races and races, can't breathe.....
Just hurry up, you're almost done....
I'm exhausted.
I get to the check out and I'm sweating and silent and I know the clerk thinks I'm a bitch because I can't even muster saying hi and I pray they don't speak to me.
I finally light a cigarette in the car and head home.
I start bothering my dad talking about myself...my plans...what I'm going through...my fears...what little shit I may have accomplished....all the thoughts rolling around in my head.
Wait...there's the look...he's tired of it already...
This happens everytime...
I'll shut up.
*I'm so alone, I don't make friends because they couldn't handle this...fuck my own dad can't even handle it*
So we pull in the driveway & I'm finally home and I'm just ready to go to sleep......
But all the groceries.
"You're almost done," I tell myself.
I put the groceries up as I have a record on full blast playing in my head of how annoying I am, how utterly alone I am, how I'm a shitty mom because if I can't even handle buying the food we need, how am I ever going to take the kids to baseball practice, I can already hear the other parents...*she's so weird, look at the way she dresses, she never hangs out with us, I heard she's crazy*...
The last can of peas gets put on the shelf and I light a cigarette as I sit on the couch and put my head in my hands.
I'm overly exhausted.
Utterly defeated.
I feel helpless.
I'm almost done....

What was the name of the lady you ran the basket into.  (humor me please)
Was she pretty?
Ugly?
Seem to be 'on it'?
Having an extramarital affair?

Don't remember Michael

So I've been using age regression as therapy. Well actually it started out as just liking the clothes, toys, eating kids snacks...and then I came to the realization that when I was being "little," I was happy. So I tested it. Anxious: go to little space, sad: little space, manic: little space with some kind of creating...the result was I did feel better after being in Little Space. I'm thinking it has to do with the fact that I'm practicing self care and also taking back my childhood I was never able to have and having total control of it. It's pretty fucking cool I think.

Samra wrote:Don't remember Michael

Then why on earth do you think people gave such an interest to you?
Not saying you are not an interesting person.  But I have taken the time to know you.  I think you give people far less consideration for the apathy they are capable of.

And that in itself is part of my problem Michael.

Fuck today